View Poll Results: Should I continue

0. You may not vote on this poll
  • Yes

    0 0%
  • No

    0 0%
  • Maybe

    0 0%
  • Who Cares

    0 0%
Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: I need an ear - and some advice

  1. #1

    Post I need an ear - and some advice

    Hi there. I'm new to the world of blogs. I'm here because I need some advice, and I need to vent.

    Now - I have a bit of a long story. Please be patient and read to the end - I have a lot to tell.

    About me - I am a widowed mother of 3. My 2 children are from my marriage, and the 3rd is from a long-term relationship that ended about a year and a half ago.

    About 15 months ago, my children and I moved into a house that I rent from a friend that moved across the country. His brother lives in the apartment in the basement. The apartment entrance is in my main floor hallway.

    13 months ago, I became romantically involved with the brother - call him John. We had an immediate and seriously intense connection. In fact, the connection was so intense, I could hardly believe it. It knocked my socks off (so to speak) and I believe his too. I hadn't had that connection since my husband and I first got serious 20 years ago. John is a very handsome man, 10 years older than I am. He is the same age as my deceased husband, and is very much like him in many ways. He is definately OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) in that everything in his apartment has to be absolutely perfect. He can seriously only focus on one single thing at a time, and that focus is always intense and complete. It's like he forgets the rest of the world exists whenever he is doing something. He also absolutely NEEDS routine in his life. He gets up in the morning, follows his routine through the day - each and every day - and if things vary, he gets very uncomfortable. Other than that - he is relatively normal ;-).

    Moving from this house is NOT an option - the rent is right, the size is perfect and it has a huge yard. I live in a suburban area where the lot size is typically about 30 x 80 - and this yard is about triple that. I live near good schools, and my children have been moved around many times in the past 17 years, and I really don't want to disrupt their school or lives again.

    Well - about a month and a half after we became romantically involved I found out that he had a girlfriend that he saw only on weekends. Up until that time, I had believed that he was going to his dad's cottage every weekend to spend time with his family. When I found out about his "girlfriend" I confronted him about it. He 'fessed up and I found out that he had been seeing her for 10 years. In fact, they had lived together for 5 of those years.

    Anyway, I tried to stop seeing him, but since we live in the same house it was virtually impossible. Instead, I decided to date other guys. I mainly did that on the weekends as the weekdays were taken up by John. None of the guys I dated came even close to causing any kind of sparks.

    In September, I gave him an ultimatum to do something about our situation and I told him that if he didn't, I would. He was just leaving for a vacation at his brother's home across the country. He would be gone for 10 days. Before he left, we had an extremely passionate night together alone in a hotel. It was probably the most sensual night of my life - and I have never lacked in sensual experiences.

    Anyway - he came home, made love to me all day - but didn't say a word about his decision. In fact, we made love 4 times - in the pool, on the stairs, on the floor and in his bed. All before 2:00 in the afternoon. It was intense. Then he went to sleep as he had come home on the red-eye. He slept all day, and stayed in bed through the night. I stayed in my own room. The next day, I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie. He said he didn't think he'd be home that night and I knew right away that he was going to "her" place. I was furious. I stewed for a while, and made a decision. I sent him an e-mail, telling him that I was furious that even though he had decided to keep seeing both of us, he didn't have the guts to tell me before he touched me. Thing is - I cc'd "her". All along he had said that the reason he had stayed with "her" is that she never pushed for a commitment. I believe that he wanted to be able to keep that relationship because it was safe, and it kept me from getting too dependant on him. Well - that is exactly what it was.

    I'll write more after - right now I have to go be mom.

    Confused by Life.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    The man took advantage of you. You were weak and vulnerable. You were lonely and physical needing a body to make love. It happens and there is nothing wrong with that if you are a willing participants. But I think you feel trap in this relationship and there is no solution but stay with the guy. You may want to ask yourself, do I want a physical relationship or emotional or both. I know the outcome maybe disastrous to you. Based on that you have to make the right call.

    I think you should leave the relationship cuz you have no future in it.
    Good luck

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Hey There,

    Personally I believe one should never ask for advice, coz in most cases if we relax and believe in ourselves, we would know the answer. Personally, I do not think you did anything wrong anywhere. But it is for you to decide whether: 1. You really want to be in any kind of relationship with a person who is so particular abt things, 2. Doesn't have the guts to commit to one women etc.

    I personally believe women can't keep feelings seperate when they are in a physical only relationship, but I may be wrong.

    So try and take a breather, get yourself together and decide for yourself. My personal advice would be to move away from the relationship. But it is your call. Also, your world wont end even if you move away from the relationship; possibly you might get tied a little bit as far as money is concerned; but that's not the end of the world. Take things a little lightly; try and look at your situation in a light manner. It's all gonna be ok.

    Let me know if you need more help.

    Take care,

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Rapid City, South Dakota
    Well, I tried not to respond to this post - However, it got the best of me... At one time, I was renting a room from a very educated, attractive woman. Each evening we would have dinner together, and talk about our day (work & other topics that came to mind).

    One day, she said, "Argile, why have you not flirted or made any moves to indicate you are attracted to me?" This was a tough question to answer. I was indeed attracted to her; however, our religious belief systems were not compatible. In addition, I worked long hours and could not sustain a long term relationship, at the time. I thought for a moment, and answered her this way:

    "From the day I moved in I was very attracted to you. Giving a great deal of thought to our discussions over the dinner table - I found that our religious beliefs were not compatible. If you remember, I did attend a few Sunday Services with you, and listened while you sang in the choir. I can not be as "into" religion as you are. In addition, even if I were to take a leap of faith and begin a serious - not a casual relationship with you, and it did not work out; it would be very uncomfortable for both of us."

    She thought long and hard for a moment, sighed - and said, "You are the most honest man I have ever met and I respect your opinions & beliefs."

    The subject was not brought up again - I ended up being her "guy advisor" and would meet every one she would go on dates with. After a year, I eventually moved to another state - and she married a guy who I thought would make her very happy - and has.

    Your situation is very complex. In a nut-shell, I would move to another apartment - maybe share an apartment with another female (that is safe -unless she is gay; then you will have another mess on your hands).

    Every day that goes by - in your current situation, will be one heart-break after another. It appears to me - from the information that you have provided, that this fellow is satisfied with you sexually - for as long as it lasts. In addition, he has another "go to girl" if you were to move out of the house and his life.

    Even if the relationship were to end with the other woman, he will find another to satisfy his sexual needs. You are a "nester" and he is a "free spirit" who, at this time in his life - just wants the physical & sexual aspects of a relationship - not the tangible committed side of a relationship.

    Geez! I am rambling on! Good luck. Everyone on this message board will hope that you make the right decision, that is best for you and your children.

    Argile Stox
    Last edited by argilestox; 01-09-2006 at 10:25 PM.

  5. #5


    Just focus on the kids, You must put all your energy into them, your sadness will be picked up by them,,, try a dating service find someone that is looking for somone like you. It works ~DW good luck

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts