Problem W/Best Friend being good friends with girl I like. (Long Post)

[Smith]

Heya. I know this is kind of my first post and all so Hi.

Anyways, there is this girl, Katie & my best friend Xavier. Xavier and I have been best friends for as long as I can remember. We are all juniors in high school, and talk all the time. Well, Xavier and Katie talk all the time. I am the kind of person who doesn't talk very much because I live a very much isolated life: I live on my own floor in my moms home and don't have enough friends online to talk to any of them at any given time. So I pre-occupy myself by blogging on my forum where the only people who read it would be me, Xavier, and our bassist and good friend of mine Andy. Xavier has a girl friend that he claims to love very much, and nothing in the world comes close. I see them together and they appear very happy. Well, I have 2-3 Classes with Xavier and two classes with Katie, the girl that I admire so much its beyond belief. I have Xavier and Katie in my last period of the day, both of those guys talk so much together its like they were boy friend and girl friend. With me admiring her so much, when she said to him one day in last period "We should hang out sometime".. I fell into a deep depression. I have written Katie two notes with an anonymous signature (It was typed of course). She read them, and the first letter she read, it was in my last period with her.. She actually cried and said she had never gotten anything so sweet and kind her life. The downside was, Xavier said he had an idea who wrote it! I am having my suspicions on who likes her besides me and that would be my bass player Andy. The only thing that didn't cause me to break down a cry was he said "Well, I don’t know he would never use big words like that".

I like Katie. Every time I see here, I am forced to look away in fear that she will look me into the eye. I am afraid to tell Xavier my thoughts, because I think he likes Katie the same way I do, but he has a girl friend and everything is riding on that. If he loses Teresa (his girl friend), Xavier has a back up, and he will steal Katie away from me forever. What am I talking about, he wouldn’t be stealing her from me. I have been inactive all this time, not saying anything. Just giving small hints here and there, hoping that someone will pick them up and start an impossible chain reaction that will lead to the ultimate goal: Let Katie know that it is I, the mystery person, the person that almost obsesses over her, but not in any wrong way. I would never resort to violence, or anger ever on her. I am truly afraid that Xavier will become instead my best friend, into my worst enemy and all will come crashing down. My band, my grades, my intuitions, my career goals, by basic body functions will fail and the world as I see it will cease to exist.

She has been on my mind all day for so many months. I can’t focus, work, or remember any information given to me by other classes. I am not only in what I think is love, but I am in a silent war in which I am not equipped to win. The enemy is an unknown person, who has similar feelings for her. But mine remain more than just a crush on someone, I know Katie. I see her as the real her, she is like me in so many ways. She is not Anti-Social, but just the opposite, a kind and loving person, someone who is not afraid to speak her mind. She is someone who doesn’t seem to care what others say of her. She tries to listen to the things that are important while maintaining her presence to the others in the classroom. These are things that I do not process and are the things I admire greatly about her. Her personality, her looks, her style, her, just her keeps me going from day to day. She is so damn stunning I can’t even remember what she looks like.

She walks past me everyday and once and a great while she says “Hi Brandon” and that, that just makes me so damn happy. I of course just say “Hi” sometimes, I want to be able to say “Hi Katie, how are you” but I can’t, I can’t face the world we live because I live in the shadows all throughout the days and nights. I need help, and my best friend is really the only person I can truly relate to. If ties were to break between Xavier, and me I see the end of my life nearing every day. If he were to feel what I feel for Katie, I would have no one to turn to. Jennifer maybe (She knows my situtation -- she is my step-cousin and I tell her everything), but I don’t think she hears me out. She just reads what I have to say, and moves on with her tasks to be done on her computer. I am thinking of writing Katie another letter but this next one needs to be planned and thawed out to perfection with as much help as I can get. Whether it be online, from Jennifer, hell maybe even Xavier. I refuse to just go online and look this up, I want MY true feelings to flow through ME, not someone else’s love letter. I need ideas on how to complement her more.

If she found out it was me, how would she react? She would now see me as a depressed individual who doesn’t care about anything anymore. A kid who wears Jinco’s to school, and black all of the time. An anti-social idiot who isn’t someone who should be friends with her. I want her to look at me as an individual and be asking her out wouldn’t be as big of a disappointment to me or her. If she has no interest in me after I tell her I like her, I can at least say my heart is cleansed of all the anguish I have endured for two/three long years.

I think Xavier likes Katie, or Katie likes Xavier because they are like best friends. When I even talk to a girl I see it as a hit-on move. I just cannot accept the fact that a man and a woman can just be friends. It’s ether Katie that’s waiting for Xavier to break up with Theresa, or the other way around. I am afraid, afraid to ask questions; afraid to live my life without this fear and stress I am forced to live with throughout my daily life.

Who knows, maybe they are just 'friends' and this is all just in my head. But, remember when I said that Katie said to Xavier 'why don’t we hang out some time'? Well, I guess that meant, Katie her friend, me, Andy and Xavier because we were all invited to her house to watch a movie and order pizza. I feel ashamed to say that initially I wasn't invited. I had said to Xavier 'i wanted to do something today, but yall are going to her house and..'' then Katie walks by in the hall and Xavier goes 'Brandon wants to come, is that ok?' she says 'Sure.' So I feel outcasted, but I went down there and since I am an isolationist, I said nothing as usual and sat there. Katie even pointed out to me 'why are you so quiet Brandon? Its like you aren’t even here.'

From that point on, Xavier & Andy have gone to her house to watch about 4-5 movies while I sat on the sidelines (They decided it wasn't worth it to tell me since I kept on saying I ruined the experience last time because I didn’t do anything). Xavier says its because they thought I was working so they just wouldn’t ask because they didn’t want to bother me.

I am thinking of telling Xavier how I feel about her, but I may stumble on the possible truth of him and her. But, even if Katie knew it was me that wrote those letters, I still don't think I could ever handle being her boyfriend. I am an Anti-Social loser, who never gets made fun of, pushed, or talked about behind my back.. I am just the quiet kid who is just.. there. I really need some help on this guys. Thanks for taking the time to read this.. I don't know who I can turn too.