So this whole new woman thing lasted long didn't it? Like four days tops. At least I tried though, right?

After turning DA down on our first date because I loved it so much, we agreed to go on date number two. Obviously I knew it wouldn't be as good as the first date because he was way too hungover and just wanted to have a chill night, so I could sack off the idea of any cute cinema date.

I wasn't bothered about that though because I was pretty hungover myself and to be honest, I was pretty sick of drinking. Like it's hard work when you've got to drink cocktails every night and then it turns into a massive race between you and your dad to see who can get drunk the quickest, all while our Mam is sat there looking at us so disappointed.

Anyway, he picked me up at half eight and took me to his apartment in Puerto Rico. Guaranteed it was a shag pad for him and all his mates, but either way it was unreal inside.

He shot a film on and we weren't even five minutes in before he started. I knew he was a horny fucker from the texts he'd been sending me all day, but fucking hell, at least pretend like you're going to watch the film.

I tried having so much willpower telling him to behave but as soon as he started kissing my neck that was me gone. Who gave a fuck about the film, it was in fucking Spanish anyway.

I'm not gunna lie, I was a bit nervous with him not being English and that, like I know sex is sex no matter what language you speak, but what if I done something and he was like what the fuck are you doing, that could be pretty awkward.

It only got worse when he dropped his trousers. The first thing that ran through my mind was no way is that fitting in my mouth, never mind between my legs. I genuinely felt like a scared virgin about to get destroyed for the first time.

You know when people say 'it's like throwing a coke can down an alley' well not tonight, this was more like getting a double decker through a cat flap.

He was massive and I was shitting myself.

Anyway, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, apart from the fact he kept slapping my sunburnt arse. I was ready to deck him if he done it again. Like it's hurting enough as it is, you don't need to contribute.

After talking shit for a bit I found my clothes scattered all over the apartment and I'd literally just pulled my dress over my head when two of his mates walked in. I mean that could have been awkward if they'd have walked in when my legs were over his shoulders.

He started speaking Spanish to them which was annoying as fuck, it's times like that when I wish I'd listened to those Rosetta Stone videos just so I knew what was being said about me.

He reckons he told them we didn't do anything but considering he was laid in his boxers, I had sex hair and my makeup and his spunk was all over his mates bed, I don't believe that for a second.

I made a quick escape after that and tried sneaking back into my hotel room but everyone was still up which was pretty awkward.

My Mam and dad asked how the date went, so rather than telling them I'd just been fucked all over by a 36 year old Spanish man, I told her we played golf. It's kinda similar though isn't it, with holes being potted and all that...

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