Is it getting predictable yet?

As we can all guess, I've gone and done it again.

A swipe to the right always leads to one thing... my legs being parted.

I matched with this one a few weeks ago. He was really canny, we swapped numbers and we slept together. That's literally how it went. The story of my life in three simple steps.

So, when I first started speaking to this one, one of the first things I done was stalk him on Instagram. That's what everyone does right? Just to check he's not just showing his three best pictures on tinder, when really he's ugly as fuck.

I had high hopes for him. Was hoping to see a few topless snaps and maybe a few fit friends? Oh no. The first picture was a little girl. And the third. And the seventh... And so where all the pictures right back to 2012, where he had a baby scan. Brilliant.

Why I didn't just sack him off there and then I do not know.

I carried on speaking to him for a bit, found out what the score was with his ex and the kid and it's quite sad actually. They split up because he'd fallen out of love with her. I mean how awful is that? If any lad told me that we had to break up because he'd fallen out of love with me, I'd force him to sleep with a girl in front of me, just to make it easier to get over. Poor lass.

Anyway, I was enjoying speaking to him and was debating seeing him. No one knew him, I could lie a little bit about my slutty ways, it would be fine.

That would have all gone to plan if I hadn't answered BG on FaceTime - the one who fully friend zoned us last week. Dick.

We were just having a casual chat when he started moaning on about his friend doing his head in. Me being a nosey fucker asked who his friend was and I'm sure you can all guess what's coming next. Of course he's best mates with him. Why wouldn't he be?

He knows everyone and it's annoying as fuck.

Straight away I was dropped on FaceTime and then five minutes later I got a text off CB simply saying "should I save you as a bike emoji in my phone". Nice one BG, lying about my slutty ways didn't last long did it you wanker.

So since it was in the open, why waste any more time fucking about with small talk. He came round, we kissed, we fucked and then he went home... With a load of bites on his neck. My bad.

I was oblivious to the bites, so was he... Until he went for breakfast with BG who pointed them out in front of all his friends. What a nightmare.

You'd think after knowing I'd slept with him, BG would call me all the slutty names under the sun and go in a bit of a mood like last time? Surprisingly not, quite the opposite actually.

Guess who's horny as fuck and wants a good seeing to at half five on Sunday morning? Hmm that's funny, I was like your little sister last week wasn't I?

To be honest I can't lie about it, I was a bit heartbroken when i woke up to a load of texts off him knowing I hadn't woken up. Ten months of hard work could have came to an end there and then. I'm still determined to conquer him one day, you just wait and see.


To read more of my blogs, visit; collectingloosewords.co.uk