Need Advice from Guys AND Girls... very confused and hurt (again) in California

Im new here, in need of some fresh perspectives on a long-time problem... thanks for reading.


Im 23, he’s 24.

I was in a relationship with “R” for 4 years solidly. We lived together for a year and a half of those 4. One day, he comes home from work and breaks up with me. Tells me he doesn’t love me anymore. I know it isn’t true, but I cant stop him from leaving. I am devastated. I try for weeks to get back together with him. He says “no” over and over again. What I didn’t know was that he had met someone else two or three days after we broke up. (I’ll call her "Kate.") Kate is R’s best friend’s cousin. She lives in Maryland (we’re in California) but she was visiting Ca. for the 4th of July holiday when they met.

R talks to Kate everyday once she returns to Maryland. She fly’s back out to Ca. about a month after her first visit. Then, R goes back to Maryland for a weeks visit to her hometown. They do the dirty deed both here in Ca. and in Maryland. Once R gets back after his visit, he calls her and tells her that he loves me and that he is going to try to get me back. Kate gets mad and says something like “Fine, don’t call me again.”

R comes back to me, tells me he made the biggest mistake of his life when he left me, that he was sorry and that he wants to be with me. He told me he never stopped loving me. As you can imagine, this was very hard for me to believe, knowing what he had done with Kate. But, I take him back because I wanted it so much.

Fast forward 3 years. We have been dating on and off since Sept. 2003. Lately, it seems like more off than on. The way we have begun to solve problems is to break up for a few weeks, cool off, then get back together. (That’s more his solution than mine, and I realize that it is NOT a solution!) I resent him for this. A lot.

The most recent break up was just before Thanksgiving. Two weeks later he came back, this time with a ring. It’s not an engagement ring, just a promise/commitment ring; a ring to symbolize his promise to me that he is done with all the nonsense. That he truly wants to get married. We have set an appt to go to couples counseling beginning on Monday 1/8/07. Our plan is to move toward getting married. Since Dec 8th we have been very happy-the happiest we have been in years. (By the way, R is VERY serious about marriage. He parents went through a very messy divorce that really screwed him up. He has always said that he will not get married until he is convinced he has found the one and only for him because he never wants to get divorced. This is the thing that he is most serious about in his life, he does not take the idea of marriage lightly by any means.)

Just this last weekend we went away for New Years. At some point during the weekend, I asked him jokingly “I’m the only woman you’ve ever said ‘I love you’ to, right Honey?” He quickly answered “Yes.” I thought nothing more of it. Then, last night he comes over and tells me that he wasn’t honest with me when he said that. He hadn’t realized it until after that interaction, and he wanted to clear the air. He told me that he had fallen in love with Kate three years ago. Further, he shared that she was moving out to California in the near future. (He heard it from his best friend, Kate’s cousin.)

When I asked him why he left her and came back to me he said (without hesitation) “Because I couldn’t handle the long distance.” He didn’t say “Because I loved you more” or “Because I wanted YOU.” He said “Because I couldn’t handle the long distance.”

I feel betrayed all over again. Even though he hurt me more than 3 years ago, I feel like it happened yesterday again. I was just getting to the point where I could accept and move on from a “fling”, but to know that he loved her…

I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to react to this news.

I have asked him so many times in the past to be honest with me, and he was. He did exactly what I wanted him to do, and I believe that he did it because he is truly committed to making “us” work this time so he is doing everything the way it should be: truthfully. But still, I can’t muffle out the small, nagging, insecure voice inside of me that is saying that his response last night (“Because I couldn’t handle the long distance”) is a sign that he wants to get back together with Kate now that she is moving here.

He gave me the ring before he knew she was coming out here. He told me he was committed to me, to us, before he knew she was coming out here. Does the news that she is coming here change his promises and commitments to me? I’ve had 7 years with him, she had 7 weeks.

Please help… what do you think? How do I react? What do I say/do?

Thanks :)

My advice to you is to Trust his commitment to him....If he wanted to be with this Kate he would be...just have faith that he is meant to be with you...there is nothing worse than driving someone away by insecurity and jealousy...just show him that you trust him and his decision and let fate takes its course...

I would actually check on him with regards to his activities for a while before full commitment. It is very possible he still loves her and loves you at the same time...In the end something will have to give....either her or you. See how he reacts when you are with a bunch of guys. If he gets jealous than perhaps he really is committed to you and if not, then you have your answer.

Take care :o

If I were you I would WAKE THE F*CK UP!!! What is the divorce rate again?? If you have to go to couples counselling BEFORE your married then it's not a good idea to get married. Bottom line this guys a moron and you've been to good to him for to long. You should have known better then to take him back when he broke it off before and went to skank it up with some hoe. Obviously he's gonna be doin the hoe as soon as she moves to Cali. My advise is to leave him now. It's better to have a broken heart than a broken heart and broken pride.

agreed with abbee's comments

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Jbeans,

How did this end? Did you keep him or dump him? I know this is a bit late, but my heart went out to you. It really hurts right then and you feel torn. And then you go back and forth with him again with this issue ever at the back of your mind. I went thru something similar and the guy broke up with me so he could be intimate with this other girl. But, it took some back and forth with him and then I met someone new and I ended it with him. I hate to say that sometimes you need a rebound to end something that should end, because it's toxic for you and your heart. If that person says he is totally commited and says he loves you, then he would not have done this to you a second time. Also, you have the right to feel insecure and jealous. He again brings up something that is a source of real hurt for you and apparently it still in the back of his head that he still wants to be with this other girl or he would never have mentioned that she is moving to california and that he came back to you only because it would have been long distance. Woman! You deserve better than this man. Good luck and God Bless.

Having TRUST for each other is a big factor in a relationship, not trusting your partner means you dont love him/her BUT if he/she done it too much, stop it and find some else who will love you truly, he/she is not the only person in this world...

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:):D

I suggest you believe that guy.You konw, as a guy,i also have this kind of experiences.Sometimes both of us feel confused,And then do sth wrong.Nobody hopes to get bad consequence,but what we have done lead to it unconscious.
because i am a oversea guy.i am learning english now.so forgive my poor english. I hope I can help you

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