Why cant I let it go???

Hello all, quick history on my situation. Married-going on twelve years, mid thirties.wife early thirties. Lately we (and I mean "I") have been brigning up her old "flames" while making love asking her specific questions on what she has actually done. Handjobs in highschool, places where she had sex and stuff like that. Now before we got together she had sex with my cousins husband not knowing he was married and soon broke it off after finding out the truth. now this happend almost thirteen years ago and I am still having a huge problem letting it go, it's tearing me apart inside. I have tried to bury it deep inside me but just dont know how to do it matter of fact just recently it has been out of control, now I dont lash out at her or our kids it's just something inside that is killing me.I talked to her about it and she says thats just part of her history and I know that she is right, I know it's me I just want to find a way to get rid of this feeling I have inside. I do love this woman and I feel Im shutting her out unintentionally. Anybody out there have a similiar situation happen to them and how did you cope with it?? Thanks for listening.

Anybody out there have any comments and or advice to give??:confused:

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Originally Posted by blurred

Anybody out there have any comments and or advice to give??:confused:

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Hello,

all of us did stupid things in mistake, not wanting to do it, and when she noticed that he was married, she ended it, which was a very good and wise. So, from my judging this indicates that she is clever, always trying to do the right thing-.

This could have happened to anybody, since we rely on the honesty of others, if they lie to us, and we do not notice, then there is nothing we can do about that.


So you have spoken to her about your problem, this killing-you-inside feeling, this is very good. do you have any other persons (friends, e.g.) you trust and could speak about this with? This can free a lot of pain and talking can solve a lot of such feelings and situations.

Ask yourself, why you feel it's disturbing you, she doing something wrong 13 years ago without even knowing about her mistake (since he didn't say he was married at that time).

You have been together for almost 13 years too, and you want to find a solution and you will find a solution and if nothing helps, go into a therapy for you or maybe even for both of you, if you feel she should be there, too.

Thank you for replying to my post. first off, I am and have been asking myself as to why it's so hard for me to let this go and I guess the only reason I keep coming up with is this, I wish I would have been the first to do anything with her from taking her virginity to exploring our sexuality which by the way she says that I'm the first to actually let her do what she please and she does enjoy this. I am coming to grips with my feelings and feel it's bringing me closer to her. But from time to time I fall into these depressing feelings and let them get the best of me. I think the last time I felt like this was approximatley 5 years ago. This feeling comes and goes and we are still together so I guess thats a good thing. Prayer has played a big part in my situation and can only hope it will enventually fade. I was wondering if I was the only one going through this type of situation. thank you for your input.:)

Well, you weren't the first and you will never be, but for her you are the first and the one and only, as you said yourself, she said

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I'm the first to actually let her do what she please and she does enjoy this.

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Define this as your new meaning of "first" and it will probably make things a lot easier for you.

You are welcome by the way :)

Feeling better already!! :D

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Originally Posted by blurred

Feeling better already!! :D

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I am glad that I was helpful :)

ya fantastic............

Blurred, the reason that you are finding it so hard to let go is that you don't want to let go. Something in your self-esteem profile wants you to feel bad, like some kind of punishment you deserve. The best way to handle this problem is to observe your actions and reactions without judgement. That is, don't consider anything that happens to you inside as either being bad or good, just watch and see. When you are clear on this, the problem will disappear forever, almost. However, it may occasionally recur in your feelings, at which time you will be able to dismiss it early just by believing that you are a worthwhile person, inferior to nobody.

Hmm~
I guess, try to understand it from different angles for both parties.
The good thing is, both of you are sharing and sorting out things together. It is a good thing that your wife is sharing her past experiences with you, regardless of who is bringing it up. The bad thing i guess, is that you can't put it out of your mind.

As you have written, prayer has helped you. I don't know if this works, but you might consider trying it out. Try asking God to help you forgive her, and release the tension from your mind. Then slowly meditate on the good times you have had together(after all, you have been married for 13 years!), treasure her and understand that what has passed is the past.

Also, try to talk to her if you feel uneasy about it. Communication is vital in any relationship, regardless of age.

Hope i'm not repeating anything. And also, good luck in your relationship.

its easy, youre looking for a reason to leave, and ur using this old info as the way out, putting blame on her..............be a man.tell her u dont love her, and leave without making her the badguy........just a marrriage that the love has died in.no charge!

It's clear that you love this woman. Your feeling comes from a deep voice in your subconcious that keeps telling you she is better than you or that you don't deserve her for some reason. Try to reframe your mind frame and implement other thoughts that say: "you are the king , and no one is better than you! all women dream to be with you and have sex with you!" and act on it. Assume it. Soon it will become part of your personality , and those little jealousy feelings will vanish. You will also become much more appealing. Alternatively you could learn how to provide her with multiple orgasms and dominate the "other" parts that are left, that she doesn't even know exist. You will be the over all king in total. By the way, did she ask you about your past pre-marriage ventures as well?

Well incidents like this can take a heavy toll on the mind understandably, but as you have said that the case is too old and further you also love her. So taking into account these points why dont you look for the positives rather than rewinding yourself? Again this may sound harsh but if you have an intend to take a revenge or anything sort of this then you can find yourself another woman with whom you can have an affair just to make her feel. But still this will not be a good idea, things resolved mutually will benefit both I feel.

Don't let your emotions get the best of you. Only you can control your psychological state and mind set.

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:):D

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everybody has a past, even you. You must also fall in love with some other women and perhaps having sex with her before you meet your present wife. That's exactly the same thing that happen with your wife. it's just that the girl you make love with at that time was not the wife of her cousin.
So don't take it as she make love with your cousin husband. It's just she a woman making love with a man before she finally met you. cheers!

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Originally Posted by blurred

Hello all, quick history on my situation. Married-going on twelve years, mid thirties.wife early thirties. Lately we (and I mean "I") have been brigning up her old "flames" while making love asking her specific questions on what she has actually done. Handjobs in highschool, places where she had sex and stuff like that. Now before we got together she had sex with my cousins husband not knowing he was married and soon broke it off after finding out the truth. now this happend almost thirteen years ago and I am still having a huge problem letting it go, it's tearing me apart inside. I have tried to bury it deep inside me but just dont know how to do it matter of fact just recently it has been out of control, now I dont lash out at her or our kids it's just something inside that is killing me.I talked to her about it and she says thats just part of her history and I know that she is right, I know it's me I just want to find a way to get rid of this feeling I have inside. I do love this woman and I feel Im shutting her out unintentionally. Anybody out there have a similiar situation happen to them and how did you cope with it?? Thanks for listening.

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Of course everyone has a past, but I agree with blurred on getting to know someone before entering into a marriage contract with them. If it was any other form of contract, you'd do research & check references, etc... Why not for marriage. Who wants to deal with some psycho a month into things?
Cheers.
Linda

take heart..cheer up

just keep yourself occupied

Hi blurred,

I kind of understand how u felt. It's like this memory keep bugging you and you feel restless now and then. The more u think about it, the more troubled you became.
Although i don hve exacly the same experience as yours. Trust me, I had some bad experiences in the past that made me felt just like u do.
Because memories don't always leave us fast (especially those associated with hurt, embrassesment and other negative feelings..), we tend to hold on or continue to feel the same feeling as if it just happened a second ago.
But through the years, I realised the only way to set myself free from bad memories, is to focus on the present, treasuring what I have now the joy and company of my soulmate, enjoying every moment of it!
And ignore the bad reminders of the past. The past is only trying to buy our time away. Stealing our precious time...
WE live in the present not the past. Always GO FOrward because we know life is short.
The future can only be better! because we are conquerors of the past!
Believe in yourself that you are the only 1 for your wife! I believe she feels that way too!

Cheers!

the thing you have in your mind is the ones making you feel like that. just let go of the past and accept your wife as she is. it is getting harder to let go of the thought if you are still thinking about it over and over again. she is now your wife and she's not making anything to break the rules of your marriage. if you really love your wife, then accept everything and forget all the things that might hurt you. she's right that is was part of her past that doesn't need to be brought back again.

try hard u ll get over it dear

Hi!
Understanding plays important role.So have understanding between both of you.

it's unfair, unjust and that's always the hardest to reconcile

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Originally Posted by crisps

it's unfair, unjust and that's always the hardest to reconcile

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I agree with all above guys, I think, most of us have bad memories, so let's us forget it, and get happy thing again.