delaying the ultimate break up
I am a young graduating college student but this "relationship" that I am in goes way back my highschool years. It all started senior year of highschool. We flirted, went to every HS dance, spent our summer as if it was the last. Then fall comes and we physically separate for college in september of 2003. He's in Dallas, I'm in Los Angeles. We tried to work out the long distance relationship but it only lasted for a year. I cheated on him, I wont deny that after just 3 months of our long distance relationship, but he forgave me and took me back. On christmas break of 2004, he ended our relationship for the reason that he wanted to date other girls, and experience the college life. I was devasted, heartbroken to the point of depression.
But during these times we never lose communication. When I needed him for comfort, he was there, and I was there for him We feel that bond, that ultimate emotional, passionate bond when we talk on the phone. He visits me almost every quarter and we meet back home in Vegas during holidays. Those few days that we see each other are always memorable even though we are no longer a couple. On the days that we are physically together, we both feel that we are still "a couple," and would do things that normal "couples" do. But once we separate, It's "out of sight, out of mind." Ignorance is bliss, therefore we never talked about our dating life outside of our " seasonal relationship."
We have been "seasonal partners" for about 3 years now and our weekend mini vacations are one of the best times in my college life. Back in HS before we went to college, we had always talked about getting back together and living in the same city after college. We both know how much we love each other and care for each other. There is no denying how we feel, and he always tells me that if we are both in the same city, he would take me as his girlfriend. But the distance hinders such.
Our college graduation is a few months away. Ever since this year 2007 started, the topic of what to do with our relationship after college usually comes up. The problem is, he got a pretty good job in Dallas after he graduates. In fact, he is already in training right now so that he is prepared for his job after he graduates. The company offered him really good benefits and he has made up his mind to stay in Dallas and start his career life there. On the other hand, my plan as of now is to go back home and live with my parents after I graduate. My major works well in Las Vegas city and I want to save money and go back home as I stable my career. I don't think I am willing to take the risk and move to Dallas after I graduate. And he is definitely not moving back home.
SO is this it for us? All these years we try to "ultimately break up" meaning no communication, no visits no myspace facebook textmessages whatsoever. But we always fail. We kept building and building this dead end relationship and now we are stuck with no solution. What do we do? I know the logical thing is to just be friends and stay away from temptations. But our passion for each other when we see each other overcomes all the hearthaches and worries of the future. We are both setting us up to a heartbreak. We both know it but we can't stop. It's like an addiction. We are both dependent on each other. We are fatally attracted, fatally addicted.
He is my first love and I am his. Is this why we are holding on to this relationship? Is it the fear of losing someone you have had sooo many wonderful experience with? Or is it the fear of starting a new life and diving into the unknown? What is it that keeps us emotionally together yet separated by miles. I love him but I want to move on. Is this possible? Can your first love be ever just be your friend?
Please Help.
sincerely,
sourgrape.
"All life is a struggle in the dark."
-Lucretius (The Nature of Things, circa 45 BC)
