Hello all, quick history on my situation. Married-going on twelve years, mid thirties.wife early thirties. Lately we (and I mean "I") have been brigning up her old "flames" while making love asking her specific questions on what she has actually done. Handjobs in highschool, places where she had sex and stuff like that. Now before we got together she had sex with my cousins husband not knowing he was married and soon broke it off after finding out the truth. now this happend almost thirteen years ago and I am still having a huge problem letting it go, it's tearing me apart inside. I have tried to bury it deep inside me but just dont know how to do it matter of fact just recently it has been out of control, now I dont lash out at her or our kids it's just something inside that is killing me.I talked to her about it and she says thats just part of her history and I know that she is right, I know it's me I just want to find a way to get rid of this feeling I have inside. I do love this woman and I feel Im shutting her out unintentionally. Anybody out there have a similiar situation happen to them and how did you cope with it?? Thanks for listening.

Anybody out there have any comments and or advice to give??

Hello,

all of us did stupid things in mistake, not wanting to do it, and when she noticed that he was married, she ended it, which was a very good and wise. So, from my judging this indicates that she is clever, always trying to do the right thing-.

This could have happened to anybody, since we rely on the honesty of others, if they lie to us, and we do not notice, then there is nothing we can do about that.


So you have spoken to her about your problem, this killing-you-inside feeling, this is very good. do you have any other persons (friends, e.g.) you trust and could speak about this with? This can free a lot of pain and talking can solve a lot of such feelings and situations.

Ask yourself, why you feel it's disturbing you, she doing something wrong 13 years ago without even knowing about her mistake (since he didn't say he was married at that time).

You have been together for almost 13 years too, and you want to find a solution and you will find a solution and if nothing helps, go into a therapy for you or maybe even for both of you, if you feel she should be there, too.

Thank you for replying to my post. first off, I am and have been asking myself as to why it's so hard for me to let this go and I guess the only reason I keep coming up with is this, I wish I would have been the first to do anything with her from taking her virginity to exploring our sexuality which by the way she says that I'm the first to actually let her do what she please and she does enjoy this. I am coming to grips with my feelings and feel it's bringing me closer to her. But from time to time I fall into these depressing feelings and let them get the best of me. I think the last time I felt like this was approximatley 5 years ago. This feeling comes and goes and we are still together so I guess thats a good thing. Prayer has played a big part in my situation and can only hope it will enventually fade. I was wondering if I was the only one going through this type of situation. thank you for your input.

Well, you weren't the first and you will never be, but for her you are the first and the one and only, as you said yourself, she said .

Define this as your new meaning of "first" and it will probably make things a lot easier for you.

You are welcome by the way

Feeling better already!!

I am glad that I was helpful

ya fantastic............

Blurred, the reason that you are finding it so hard to let go is that you don't want to let go. Something in your self-esteem profile wants you to feel bad, like some kind of punishment you deserve. The best way to handle this problem is to observe your actions and reactions without judgement. That is, don't consider anything that happens to you inside as either being bad or good, just watch and see. When you are clear on this, the problem will disappear forever, almost. However, it may occasionally recur in your feelings, at which time you will be able to dismiss it early just by believing that you are a worthwhile person, inferior to nobody.

Hmm~
I guess, try to understand it from different angles for both parties.
The good thing is, both of you are sharing and sorting out things together. It is a good thing that your wife is sharing her past experiences with you, regardless of who is bringing it up. The bad thing i guess, is that you can't put it out of your mind.

As you have written, prayer has helped you. I don't know if this works, but you might consider trying it out. Try asking God to help you forgive her, and release the tension from your mind. Then slowly meditate on the good times you have had together(after all, you have been married for 13 years!), treasure her and understand that what has passed is the past.

Also, try to talk to her if you feel uneasy about it. Communication is vital in any relationship, regardless of age.

Hope i'm not repeating anything. And also, good luck in your relationship.